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Attracted to the Person

This post is about sex. It contains naughty words and frank discussion about, you know, “down there.” You’ve been warned.

I know a lot of bi and pansexual people who like to say that they’re all about what’s on the inside. That they are “just attracted to the person” and don’t care about the genitals and bodies that go along with each person. Which is fine for them.

I’m not like that. I look at totally different, even opposite, bodies and think “hubba hubba!” If I eventually meet the person and they’re sexy on the inside too, then it’s a home run. If the person turns out to be a creep, then it’s a pass no matter how hot they look. But for me the attraction always starts with the way someone looks and the way they carry the bodies that they have. I’m a very visual, lights-on kind of gal. I want to see what I’m working with. And I love variety.

I realize that for most people who identify as either gay or straight, this hunger for variety may be hard to understand. They are into one thing, and that’s it. Many even have a strong negative reaction to the opposite of what they are into.

Beyond basic plumbing, people also tend to favor a certain “type.” Me, I have several primary types that will always turn my head, but then I’ll find myself ferociously attracted to someone who is nothing like any of them. That’s what keeps life interesting for me.

And speaking of basic plumbing, I’m just going to come right out and say that I like it all. I like (XY)cocks, butch-cocks, and trans-cocks. I like (XX)cunts, trans-clits and neo-cunts. I don’t see any one of these as “fake” or a substitute for any other. Each one is it’s own unique thing which I find beautiful and sexy.

I like fat bodies and thin bodies. Muscular bodies and soft bodies. Hairy bodies and smooth bodies. I’m not just putting up with something that isn’t really what I want because I like what’s on the inside. I think each diverse and different body that I choose to play with is sexy exactly the way it is.

And if someone is shy about their body or uncomfortable with their particular genital configuration, I respect that. As a Domme, I like to push boundaries but I never want to take someone to a place they are not ready to go. If I can encourage someone to show off what they have and feel proud and sexy, then I will. But if they prefer to keep certain areas covered, I can live with that. As long as I can see the rest of them. As long as I can see their faces and look into their eyes.

Now let me say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a type or being only interested in one gender. I just want to open up people’s minds and help them understand that their way isn’t the only way. It’s one of many.

I also want to say, for the record, that I’m not confused. I’m not in denial about my true orientation and I’m not conducting my sex-life as a show for the entertainment of others. I know that I don’t fit in to the various stereotypes that exist on both sides of the gay/straight divide and I have no interest in changing what I think is hot in order to make other people feel more comfortable. The only people I’m interested in pleasing are myself and my partners.

So sound off, bi and pansexual readers. How do you feel about this inside/outside thing? Do you find yourself attracted to the way people look, or their personalities, or both? And what sorts of reactions do your partner choices elicit from gay and straight friends?



( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 4th, 2012 08:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Jun. 4th, 2012 08:35 pm (UTC)
I think what I mean, when I say I don't care about what the person has in terms of genitalia, or happens to be in gender, is a quick one liner. Of course I care about the person I'm with, who they are, what they are, how they I.D.; I just don't have a prejudicial filter that's so simple as "Straight/Other/Male/Female/Other".

The one liner, is a reactionary check box, saying in effect, that the check boxes usually in play, are not ones I'm using; the typical, is not useful, in my case.
My friends are fine with what I date, in that, they don't care what gender is the person, they listen for how the person declares themselves.

How a person looks, really to me, has to do with what they're doing; is what they're putting out there a clear reflection of self? If it's modulated by some sense of social grace or training, does who they are in the moment come through, or is it entirely too staged? My concern is whether their persona amounts to lying, or not. Beyond that, are they doing something I find personally distasteful, or not, when they're being their normal selves. That's how my attraction works, and chemistry when we touch, of course.

Do I care about genre, or role modeling? I dunno; how much effort do I have to put in, to support their role modeling? Does it effect greater communication, richer personal interactions, or is it stage craft, and ego-massaging? In their role; can they see the person outside themselves for who they are and respond appropriately, or do they have to respond inside their pre-conceived role, to the extent that they're willing to get it entirely wrong, just to stay in character?
Way more interested in people who're into what they're doing, than what they look like when they're doing it.
Lights on, lights off; depends on how we are at the moment, what that feels like. There's a large distinction for me in terms of where I'm at when setting up a scene, and when I'm with the person I'm with in the moment.

Jun. 4th, 2012 08:35 pm (UTC)
I identify as bi (have since high school) and I have often said that it's what's on the inside of a person that matters to me BUT when saying that I was referring to falling in love. Usually this type of discussion comes up when straight people try to understand my bisexuality. I try to explain that when I fall in love with people I am falling in love with what's on the inside of them and you can find similar traits in both men and women.

Now physical attraction? All by itself? Yes, that's a different thing. But still, for whatever reason, I find myself attracted physically and sexually to both men and women. I seem to have certain types though they vary and aren't hard set rules. And even the attraction to male/female isn't a hard and fast rule as I've dated trans men, butch women, and people who prefer not to identify by gender at all, etc, etc. It really just depends if the chemical fireworks go off. Maybe it's all just pheromones?

I know I have a penchant for redheaded ladies. And I love skinny men with long hair as opposed to crew cut buff men but like I said, not a hard and fast rule. I like punk men, goth men, traditionally handsome business suit type men, curvy women, women with long hair, typically femme women but occasionally there will be a hard butch that just sets me on fire. Maybe if I lined up photos of all my lovers I could figure out a pattern? I don't know. I just know it when I see it. When they make my head turn or my heart race or my palms sweaty. I can't really figure it out. I just know it when I see it. I can say that no matter how attractive a person is on the outside if they have a terrible personality it's an immediate turn off.

Most of my friends are straight. I'm not really sure why my friend pool is that way though I can say in terms of dating, the lesbian community has rarely accepted me. That isn't a diss to the community. Just my personal experience. They often seem to worry that I would leave them for a man or simply dismiss me as being confused. And as far as the straight women in my life my bisexuality seems to bring out theirs. Not meaning that they are actually bi. I have no idea. They would have to figure that out for themselves. But they feel comfortable flirting with me, seem to enjoy it, though most (I don't think) would ever actually do anything. I occasionally have had some straight women tell me I'm the only woman they'd ever have sex with or had ever wanted to. I'm not really sure what all that means but I assume at least partly it means they don't find me threatening to their primary hetero relationships. Or maybe they just like me?

I've gotten way off track here I think. Sorry. Anyway, fall in love with the inside, want to have sex with the outside.
Erin O'Riordan
Jun. 4th, 2012 08:36 pm (UTC)
Physical attraction and wanting to spend more time with a person are two different, though related, things. When attraction happens, it's about the physical at first. Then, if you find a person you're physically attracted to and you also find his or her personality attractive, then you're going to want to spend more time with that person.

Just because bis/pans have people orientation rather than sexual orientation, it doesn't mean we're not still physical. If the physical chemistry isn't right, or someone's too heavy/too skinny/too whatever for our tastes, then no, we're not going to seek them out.

If people are saying they're ONLY attracted to what's on the inside, I don't think they're being completely honest. Computers can match two people up using personality traits, but left to our own devices, people use physical cues. Granted, we may have very broad tastes in size, shape, age, color, physical ability, etc., but there has to be SOMETHING physical we like about a person.

And pheremones, probably. We're probably sniffing around each other subconsciously, too.
Jun. 4th, 2012 08:47 pm (UTC)
Great responses. Keep them coming.

Jun. 5th, 2012 06:21 pm (UTC)
How do you feel about this inside/outside thing?

Oh well I have to admit I'm the been there done that type of person and I fully agree with your statement:
I like it all. I like (XY)cocks, butch-cocks, and trans-cocks. I like (XX)cunts, trans-clits and neo-cunts. I don’t see any one of these as “fake” or a substitute for any other. Each one is it’s own unique thing which I find beautiful and sexy.

I do have preferences but I've ended up way to often with someone who doesn't fit into that so to make it easy for myself I just assume it must be the "personality" of my partners.
I do however have a "least favourite" list that reads "dumb people, vergins, attention whores, drama queens" all of it completely gender neutral :-)

And what sorts of reactions do your partner choices elicit from gay and straight friends?

Honestly I think they all stoped counting (and reacting) a long time ago (I'm not a relationship person).
Jun. 11th, 2012 03:56 am (UTC)
Unexpected attractions
The line that struck home the most for me was the following:

“I have several primary types that will always turn my head. But then I’ll find myself ferociously attracted to someone who is nothing like any of them. That’s what keeps life interesting for me.”

I think this describes the experience of a great many people. That "What's going on here?' sensation that's one of the most exciting things that can happen in life. I also think it points to a characteristic of human beings, a vein or randomness or anarchy in human nature, that has implications well beyond romantic and sexual relationships. No matter how well you think you understand yourself, you just never know what may come swimming up from the depths.

Unexpected attractions are central a couple works I like a lot and that others may enjoy: the British limited series "Bob and Rose," by Russell T. Davies (the creator of "Queer as Folk" and the reviver of "Doctor Who") and "Too Beautiful for You," by the great French writer-director Betrand Blier. Here are the links.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )